I was only dreaming

Last night I had the strangest dream...

We went to this farm where they had a building where they honoured the dead (and possibly housed the bones of quite a few of them). On the main floor each wall section was for a year and there was a samples of photos, obituaries, etc of a random selection of people that died that year that were interred below. I was with a group of friends and I can't remember the reason we went there in the first place. I went to look at the year 1973 for some reason that I felt I needed too. Sure enough there was a photo of me at that age at my 3rd birthday and my friend JM was also there beside me in the photos - she would have been 4 1/2. I didn't think I even knew her at that age (thought we'd only met as adults) but the photo proved otherwise. There was also an obit for me saying that I'd been killed in a car accident at the age of 3.

Needless to say this freaked me out a bit as I was very much alive and had no memory of any of this. I also have always had a strong internal feeling that my death would eventually come as a result of a car crash, instantly. So in my dream I suddenly had this flash of insight that the reason I have always felt that way is that some part of my subconscious remembered this car accident where I'd obviously nearly died when I was 3 - and therefore these intense feelings did *not* mean that I would die in a car accident in the future. I was actually a bit relieved, but still incredibly freaked out that there was a memorial to my 3 year old self here in this building.

Later I was taking part in this grieving workshop event that was faith-based, even though I am not religious (so I felt a bit fake taking part in it, but oh well). I don't remember who I was supposed to be grieving for even, as I was so wrapped up in the new information that I "died" at age 3. We were split into groups and there was a young man talking to our group. I think I appeared distracted or disinterested, but I was sort of listening. He noticed. We all went to sit down and work though some sort of exercise. He sat beside me and started talking to me and wanted to know why I was reacting the way I was, so I told him how I had found my own memorial and obituary and that I had supposedly "died" when I was young. He looked a bit like Elliot Yamin, but not quite. He was a spiritual person in his beliefs and the way he was talking but he could tell that I wasn't so much. He was moved by my story.

I don't know what any of this means but I'm still freaked out upon waking. I *have* for many years, pushing 20 or more, always felt that my eventual death would be in a car accident and quickly. I did not almost die in one when I was 3.

I needed to write all this out, so if anyone is actually reading this blog, sorry about that! I know dream descriptions are boring for others to read! I'm still weirded out by it.

passings

An old friend of mine passed away a few days ago. An ex-boyfriend actually. I haven't seen him in a long time, 7 or 8 years probably. We dated back in 1994, for a short bit, but mostly we were friends. He was the same age as me. Even though we hadn't been close in a long time, I can't get him or his passing out of my head.

I went to the visitation tonight with my hubbie. As expected, none of his old "gang" remembered me, nor would I expect them to. It was surreal. Luckily it was so crowded that I didn't even see the coffin. I didn't want to. I don't want to think of him that way, lying there, but not really there, you know? I remember him the way he was when I knew him. He was a perfect gentleman - I was the flawed one at the time and it's no wonder we didn't work out for very long.

Lying in bed tonight, unable to sleep, unable to turn my brain off, I suddenly remembered that I journeled a bit during that time that I hung out with him, so I dug out my old journel. (it was in the drawer right beside me bed, so that part was easy).

Date that I noticed that he "was interesting" - Sun. Jan 9th, 1994. Prophetic quote, final line of that entry "I've really, really got to find a life that doesn't revolve around D.J.'s!" This guy was a D.J., 1st and foremost how I knew him anyway. That's not why I wrote it though. At the time I was kinda hung up on another friend, or good acquaintance anyway, which was Martin Streek of CFNY. Weirdly enough Martin passed away in July of this year, also a bit of a blow to me. So both D.J.'s that I had pretty strong feelings for (and both I kissed) in 1994 both died within less than 5 months of each other in 2009.

I was not a very good girlfriend to this guy though. Not only was I kind of hung up on Martin, I was also messed up from ending a long term previous relationship the previous fall. My work was suffering and I was going out and drinking and partying way too much at this point in my life. It's no wonder he decided we were better as just friends after several weeks of dating me.

Things I remember:
- the James concert at the Opera House that he spontaneously took me to on our first date (which was right after our first phone conversation)
- he told me he was friends with Sarah McLachlan and communicated with her regularly. (he was in the music business so I'm sure it was true)
- he was a perfect gentleman and didn't kiss me until the very end of our 2nd date, which was my taking him to a Leafs game for our 2nd date. He was a big fan.
- our 3rd date was to see Concrete Blonde at Lulu's. All 3 of these adventures happened within 4 days on one of the bitter cold weeks in February
- he sent me a card and flowers to my work on Valentine's day, which no boy had every done for me before, or since
- he was a closet 90210 fan, and we watched it together a few times
- when he knew that I took a job in Toronto and was making that commute every day, he showed up at my door unexpectedly with a mix tape to make the drive better. We hadn't been dating in over a month at that point. He was just being a super nice guy.
- lately...he was diabetic. He was on a kidney transplant waiting list when he died on Sat evening of sudden cardiac arrest. They say it happened fast. I hope so. He was only 39 years old. Please sign your organ donor card and let your family know your intentions!!!

He was a good guy. I'm sad and I regret that we didn't reconnect more in the past 8 years. I would have liked that.

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

"I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember all the good times that we had
We let them slip away from us when things got bad
Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun
I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired,I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
Gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories "

California dreaming...

So we leave for California in 5 days. I've never been before. I've always wanted to drive up the Pacific Coast highway though. We've decided to start in San Diego, rent a car, and drive north as far as San Francisco before flying home again. Going to the San Diego Zoo, Monterey Bay Aquarium, Santa Cruz Pier and various other fun stops along the way. I'm even lucky enough to be invited over to spend time with a very old friend on Thursday evening. She was my biology partner and good friend in Grade 10 and I haven't seen her since about 1986! I'm looking so forward to reconnecting. I'm a tad afraid it will be awkward, but I'm sure we'll get past it. I guess after all these years you're back to being strangers again, aren't you? (oh God, that reminds me of that Commodores song "Just Once"...now it will be stuck in my head!)

In other news, we check out the Doors Open in Waterloo Region today. We went to the Waterloo Masonic Temple, the new school of Pharmacology downtown Kitchener (the one with all the medicinal plants decorating the sides of the building) and last but not least the original Kitchener Gaol and Governor's mansion. Very interesting, although perhaps not quite as interesting as you'd think it might be. If that makes any sense.

I'm so far feeling much better today. Hope it lasts! :)

first post

Blogging...something I've thought about for many years now and just never got around to doing it.
But I often have something that I want to rant about, share or that's simply weighing on my mind, so why not have a place to put it down?
Frankly it could be more private than a journal, which someone could, in theory, find and read, if I chose not to let people know I have this. I'm not sure I get why anyone else in the world would care to read what I have to put out there anyway, most days.
Every since my ex read my diary while I was at work one day and confronted me on it (which made me wonder how long he'd been reading it), I haven't trusted putting personal thoughts down on paper where anyone could potentially find them. Mostly I keep them to myself.
Which just bottles and increases internal pressure.

There are many choices of what to start with here.
Mostly this afternoon has been a bad afternoon for the past hour or so, just like every afternoon for the past 3 weeks have been. Around the beginning of September I finished the final stage of "phasing down" off my meds and have been drug free completely. So far my brain has not been adapting to this very well. Every day there has been a period of badness. Usually around mid to late afternoon, although not always. For the first time this Autumn, there were actually tears about 30 min ago. Even on the lowest dose of meds and only taking every 2nd day and then every 3rd day, I did not have this. But no drugs at all has been a big adjustment. I'll give it a few more weeks, then consider whether I need to go back on, at the lowest dose.

Then I got the inspiration to finally start that long thought-about blog.

I still don't know what I'll do with this space right now.

But this is a start.