passings

An old friend of mine passed away a few days ago. An ex-boyfriend actually. I haven't seen him in a long time, 7 or 8 years probably. We dated back in 1994, for a short bit, but mostly we were friends. He was the same age as me. Even though we hadn't been close in a long time, I can't get him or his passing out of my head.

I went to the visitation tonight with my hubbie. As expected, none of his old "gang" remembered me, nor would I expect them to. It was surreal. Luckily it was so crowded that I didn't even see the coffin. I didn't want to. I don't want to think of him that way, lying there, but not really there, you know? I remember him the way he was when I knew him. He was a perfect gentleman - I was the flawed one at the time and it's no wonder we didn't work out for very long.

Lying in bed tonight, unable to sleep, unable to turn my brain off, I suddenly remembered that I journeled a bit during that time that I hung out with him, so I dug out my old journel. (it was in the drawer right beside me bed, so that part was easy).

Date that I noticed that he "was interesting" - Sun. Jan 9th, 1994. Prophetic quote, final line of that entry "I've really, really got to find a life that doesn't revolve around D.J.'s!" This guy was a D.J., 1st and foremost how I knew him anyway. That's not why I wrote it though. At the time I was kinda hung up on another friend, or good acquaintance anyway, which was Martin Streek of CFNY. Weirdly enough Martin passed away in July of this year, also a bit of a blow to me. So both D.J.'s that I had pretty strong feelings for (and both I kissed) in 1994 both died within less than 5 months of each other in 2009.

I was not a very good girlfriend to this guy though. Not only was I kind of hung up on Martin, I was also messed up from ending a long term previous relationship the previous fall. My work was suffering and I was going out and drinking and partying way too much at this point in my life. It's no wonder he decided we were better as just friends after several weeks of dating me.

Things I remember:
- the James concert at the Opera House that he spontaneously took me to on our first date (which was right after our first phone conversation)
- he told me he was friends with Sarah McLachlan and communicated with her regularly. (he was in the music business so I'm sure it was true)
- he was a perfect gentleman and didn't kiss me until the very end of our 2nd date, which was my taking him to a Leafs game for our 2nd date. He was a big fan.
- our 3rd date was to see Concrete Blonde at Lulu's. All 3 of these adventures happened within 4 days on one of the bitter cold weeks in February
- he sent me a card and flowers to my work on Valentine's day, which no boy had every done for me before, or since
- he was a closet 90210 fan, and we watched it together a few times
- when he knew that I took a job in Toronto and was making that commute every day, he showed up at my door unexpectedly with a mix tape to make the drive better. We hadn't been dating in over a month at that point. He was just being a super nice guy.
- lately...he was diabetic. He was on a kidney transplant waiting list when he died on Sat evening of sudden cardiac arrest. They say it happened fast. I hope so. He was only 39 years old. Please sign your organ donor card and let your family know your intentions!!!

He was a good guy. I'm sad and I regret that we didn't reconnect more in the past 8 years. I would have liked that.

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

"I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember all the good times that we had
We let them slip away from us when things got bad
Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun
I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired,I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
Gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories "